Cuddling

Dear Anabelle,

Cuddling.... I don't get it. I feel like girls cuddle with guys and vice versa whether or not they actually like them. I guess this goes for hooking-up too...but that's a different subject. Now, I'm a tactile guy and I'm not afraid to say that. I express emotion and love towards others through physical contact. But lately (and I mean since I got to BYU-I where I attend school) I've felt more and more nervous about touching people. I feel like many a time when I touch a girl, through a hug, touch on the arm, shoulder, etc., they are ever so slightly uncomfortable. Why? Psssh, I dunno. Well, I don't like making people feel uncomfortable, so I stop altogether. I become more reserved in all my physical contact that I make with others. Can't stand it really. Feel like I can't properly express myself.

What kills me though is I feel like I'm the only one with this problem (I know that's not true, but it's how I feel). I see roommates and friends cuddling up on the couch like it's nothing, or holding hands. You get my point.

At the risk of sounding creepy (I swear I'm always running this risk in written and spoken word), I miss physically cuddling with someone, or holding hands, or throwing my arms around someone. I don't want to have to have a girlfriend to get this. I'm not looking for a friend with benefits..... actually that's not entirely true, I guess everything I listed above is a benefit. I just don't mean friends with benefits like hooking-up and all.

So what are the rules for physical contact? Do I really have to put my arm around a girl's shoulder and get rejected to know that she doesn't want to be touched in that way? Or is there a way to tell before hand?

Sincerely,

Open arms and nothing to fill them

Dear Open Arms,

The best way to tell if a girl wants to be touched is if she touches you. I am not talking about a brush of shoulders or elbow bump. A girl will let you know she is open to physical contact by touching you with her hand. That is a sure sign she would not reject a handhold or arm around the shoulder. Now do not get ahead of yourself and jump to cuddling on the couch just because she put her hand on your back for three seconds. Test the waters and take it slow. Girls often have boundaries and you have to find out what they are. Sometimes you find out real quick and she will back off. Rejection happens.

Girls base their relationships on trust and physical contact most often follows once you have earned her trust. If you are afraid of being rejected by holding her hand, then use words. Use words of admiration. Words can really help a girl understand what your intentions are and make her comfortable. She will either reciprocate with words of admiration as well or a slight touch with her hand. If she is uncomfortable, more often than not she will reply with polite words instead of shutting you down.

It is obvious that physical touch is important to you and you expressed you show emotion and love through touch. You can continue to show how you value physical touch by being selective with the girls you wish to hold hands with and cuddle with. If you are doing those things with every girl you go out with, word will get out and the most important girl could slip away. And believe me, word spreads easily at BYU-Idaho.

Most importantly, remember to be kind and respect a girl’s wish. If she does not want to be touched, do not get upset. You can still have a great evening. If she is open to getting closer, take it slow. She will appreciate you even more for treating her with respect.

Tried and truly yours,

Anabelle