Virgin Lips

Dear Anabelle, 


At 23 I have still not had my first kiss. As I have yet to find out what is wrong with me or all the boys around me, I have decided not to fret. The story which I would like to share with is, therefore, how I successfully avoided a miserable first. Before I begin, I wish to make it clear that I am not a guiltless victim of this date. 


I tend to be very trusting. I am grateful for the safety with which I have been blessed, even in my stupidity. As I was preparing to serve a mission, I was working two jobs in the mall. As I worked at one, a young man, "Joe," asked if I had a sister who worked at the local grocer. As my younger sister who looks a lot like me did work there, I assumed that he worked with her. Because of this assumption, I accepted when he invited me out on a date. He was nice & even offered me a ride home from work as I was getting off shortly. Before leaving the mall, I stopped by my other job to check the upcoming week's schedule. 


One of my co-workers looked uncomfortable and I asked her what was wrong. "My crazy ex-boyfriend just walked in." Looking around, I saw only Joe. I brushed it aside, knowing that she tended to be overly dramatic. He took me homee. Confession. Perhaps because of lack of experience, whenever I am confronted with any kind of undesired romantic stresses, I get tired. The conflict between not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings and making myself deal with guys in whom I am not interested simply wears me out. Therefore, upon arriving at home, I took a nap. When I awoke, my sister had gotten home from work and told everyone about how Joe had gone to the grocer and bought flowers for me. Without telling anyone, my entire family knew about my suitor. 


What was he like? Did I like him? Why had I accepted the date? Was I crazy? When he arrived, he introduced himself to my parents. My dad was not impressed by his baggy pants, tie and T-shirt combo, and three-inch tall mohawk, but we went on our way without much embarrassment. He took me through the Wendy's drive-thru and then to a scenic view of the city- make-out point. I was laughing at his transparency. 


He tried to sweep me off my feet with lines that I could have sworn I knew from my favorite romcoms. Now I became giggly at how suave he seemed to think he was. When more people showed up, he decided it would be better to go to a more private location. A smarter, more mature me would have said no, asked to go home, something! The me then was enjoying a funny show. At the new location, he serenaded me while playing the guitar. 


When I seemed sufficiently wooed, he ever so romantically asked, "Are you a virgin?" Confession: when things reach a certain level of absurdity, I become very detached. "Yes." "Oh, that's okay." "I know." "Have you ever kissed anyone?" "No." He leaned forward, "Kiss me." "No." "Oh. Why?" "I don't want to." I'm sure there are nicer ways to turn down a guy, but frankly, I didn't think he deserved the courtesy. "Ouch." Within five minutes he was complaining of stomach pains. I am inclined to think that he was just trying to get rid of me after discovering that he would get nowhere with me, except for the truly pained expression on his face. 


The whole way home, I sat with a simple prayer in my heart, "Heavenly Father, I really don't want Joe to hurt, but I'm glad I get to go home early." When I got home, my mom told me how my 16 year-old sister had first become acquainted with 22 year-old Joe. He had seen her at work and asked her out on a date. She said no. Love, Lonely Lips P.S. I did learn a lesson from this experience. When, shortly after getting home from my mission, I was asked out by a fifty year-old man talking about past experiences in jail, I, for the first time ever, declined a first date.